I was misgendered over the weekend.
It wasn’t by someone who’d known me all my life, like my grandmother, for instance, which I’d have understood & maybe even forgiven.
And it wasn’t by me misgendering myself, because, believe it or not, that happens sometimes too. After a lifetime, even for me, old habits die hard.
No, it was by someone I’d only recently met, online, who had never actually met me in person or known me in any other capacity or gender than I am now.
It wasn’t meant maliciously. It wasn’t meant to hurt. It was something that slipped out unconsciously, & they don’t even understand why. Nor do I.
But it hurt, all the same.
You know, I am pretty resilient. I’ve been around a while. I'm strong. But even for me, comfortable in my own skin, secure with my identity, my femininity, I am still vulnerable. Even for me, a careless or thoughtless word can spoil my day.
But for others, sometimes younger, perhaps less secure, or more anxious about their gender identity, or those living in shame or guilt or fear, a thoughtless or careless word can spoil more than just a day, it can destroy confidence, break a heart, or even cost a life.
This stuff matters. Words are powerful.
I’ve been misgendered many times, & it always hurts.
Sometimes people want to prove how “right” they are, or that they’ve “caught me out”. Imagine how this might feel, when your sense of self is invalidated, as though someone is saying “you’re not really a woman”. For me, I'm glad to say this hardly ever happens. For others, it can be many times a day.
Seriously, if someone is trying to present in a certain way, whatever that is, do them the courtesy of respecting that. Because it takes an unbelievable amount of courage to walk out the door & show up in the world as a different gender. For me, when I first started on this journey, & for a long time after, that thought scared the sh^t out of me !
When you put your own skin in the game, literally, show up in public with the accompanying risk of being shamed, ridiculed or humiliated by people who are safe in their identities & risk nothing – that takes so much courage.
I understand that this is new to a lot of people. I understand this is a new world we are all trying to navigate. It was new to me, too, & I too will always be learning.
I am very “out there” now as a trans woman. I've gone public. I am confident. I have a voice & I have things to say, & through my speaking, through how I live my life now, I feel it’s my duty to give voice to those who have none.
There is still so much work to be done to reduce ignorance, & promote mutual tolerance, understanding & respect amongst us all.
Next time you use a pronoun, or address a room, please pause & think about your language.
All I'm asking is for us to respect each other, because we’re all here on this planet for such a short time, trying to do our best.
Bobbi ❤️
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